Life can feel so good and be so disappointing all at once.
I begin to wonder how we keep our barring, and in some instances, I learn and begin to understand the drastic ways of the lonely, the alone, the sad, the confused, the happy, the ecstatic and the irrational.
So many things happen simultaneously, that you feel a sense of vertigo passing over you. A force of difference so great that an imbalance, a chemical disruption in the brain, not cause by anything other than the over whelming NESS of life surpasses rationallity.
In certain situations you feel joy, light heartedness, love, lust, longing, fulfillment, happiness, compassion, caring, excitement, and hope for a lovely now and a better tomorrow. In other instances, you feel hate, confusion, and disappointment in a loved one, loneliness when not alone at all, deprivation, starvation, angst, anger, anxiety, nausea, helplessness, and surrender. It is the most aggravating feeling in which the body and mind become disconnected; where the body is clam and serene, and the mind is racing, trying to calculate the wrongdoings in others and oneself.
Issue #1:
I have liked a certain someone for as long as I can remember, grade 4 to be exact: subject A. I have known another someone, a best friend since grade 2: subject B. Subject B does not condone the flirtatious ways of any girl, and labels fun girls as sluts. Just recently, Subject A and I filled the void of longing one another and I purposely did not tell Subject B, in save of my name. BUT, Subject A went along and informed Subject B of the events. Subject B has not told me she knows, but in a simple text the morning after, she wrote: “Ya I hung out with my sister lol ya I was talking to [subject A] today. Um only till 11 tonight.” She knows and will be upset by the fact that I did not mention my outing, nor was I planning to. I will tell her that I can’t tell her the intimate details of my life, knowing her as well as I do, because I know her judging eyes better than anyone else, and they hurt.
Issue #2:
My friends neglect me, and treat me as though I’m not really apart of the “group” per say, leaving me feeling alone when I really am not, and also feeling as though I have no one to call a best friend.
Issue #3:
My actual best friend lives 45 minutes away, and we are losing touch, which breaks my heart over and over again.
Issue #4:
Until convinced otherwise, love does not exist in a world like the one in which gravity (of all things) is the only thing that keeps us grounded.
Issue #5:
My sister is selfish and blinded by love, she has lost her friends, and she has lost connection to the other people who really count.
Issue #6:
I still have hope for love, but it is slowly disintegrating into what some call ‘love’.
Issue #7:
I love my job, and I love to work, and I love school, but I feel trapped by it all. I’m so young, yet I already feel the need to escape, and leave behind everything I am, and everything I know, and to start over where no one knows my name.
School: I love my school, but being there with some of the people I am with - a subject – it only makes it harder to be me, without a gossiping mouth and an unintentional glare. And although I love Cabinet (student government) and the responsibility and the power, if I don’t get out of it now, I will lose myself in it, and forget about my education, my career, my life, and what I truly love, music.
Issue #8:
Until this very moment, I didn’t realize my music was an issue at all, but it is. The one thing I felt safe with, is an issue in itself: I can’t write a happy song.
I begin to wonder how we keep our barring, and in some instances, I learn and begin to understand the drastic ways of the lonely, the alone, the sad, the confused, the happy, the ecstatic and the irrational.
So many things happen simultaneously, that you feel a sense of vertigo passing over you. A force of difference so great that an imbalance, a chemical disruption in the brain, not cause by anything other than the over whelming NESS of life surpasses rationallity.
In certain situations you feel joy, light heartedness, love, lust, longing, fulfillment, happiness, compassion, caring, excitement, and hope for a lovely now and a better tomorrow. In other instances, you feel hate, confusion, and disappointment in a loved one, loneliness when not alone at all, deprivation, starvation, angst, anger, anxiety, nausea, helplessness, and surrender. It is the most aggravating feeling in which the body and mind become disconnected; where the body is clam and serene, and the mind is racing, trying to calculate the wrongdoings in others and oneself.
Issue #1:
I have liked a certain someone for as long as I can remember, grade 4 to be exact: subject A. I have known another someone, a best friend since grade 2: subject B. Subject B does not condone the flirtatious ways of any girl, and labels fun girls as sluts. Just recently, Subject A and I filled the void of longing one another and I purposely did not tell Subject B, in save of my name. BUT, Subject A went along and informed Subject B of the events. Subject B has not told me she knows, but in a simple text the morning after, she wrote: “Ya I hung out with my sister lol ya I was talking to [subject A] today. Um only till 11 tonight.” She knows and will be upset by the fact that I did not mention my outing, nor was I planning to. I will tell her that I can’t tell her the intimate details of my life, knowing her as well as I do, because I know her judging eyes better than anyone else, and they hurt.
Issue #2:
My friends neglect me, and treat me as though I’m not really apart of the “group” per say, leaving me feeling alone when I really am not, and also feeling as though I have no one to call a best friend.
Issue #3:
My actual best friend lives 45 minutes away, and we are losing touch, which breaks my heart over and over again.
Issue #4:
Until convinced otherwise, love does not exist in a world like the one in which gravity (of all things) is the only thing that keeps us grounded.
Issue #5:
My sister is selfish and blinded by love, she has lost her friends, and she has lost connection to the other people who really count.
Issue #6:
I still have hope for love, but it is slowly disintegrating into what some call ‘love’.
Issue #7:
I love my job, and I love to work, and I love school, but I feel trapped by it all. I’m so young, yet I already feel the need to escape, and leave behind everything I am, and everything I know, and to start over where no one knows my name.
School: I love my school, but being there with some of the people I am with - a subject – it only makes it harder to be me, without a gossiping mouth and an unintentional glare. And although I love Cabinet (student government) and the responsibility and the power, if I don’t get out of it now, I will lose myself in it, and forget about my education, my career, my life, and what I truly love, music.
Issue #8:
Until this very moment, I didn’t realize my music was an issue at all, but it is. The one thing I felt safe with, is an issue in itself: I can’t write a happy song.
I'll be seeing you.
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