Why?

I'm a bit messed up. I wish I could explain it to someone in a way that didn't make me look so damaged and strange, and in a way that wouldn't turn people away.

I'm single, and I like it. I love it actually, and I feel really free, for the most part. I have no one to worry about, and no responcibility to anyone. But there is no one to love me. It's a sad realization.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. To tell you the honest to Budah truth, I have never felt so damaged and broken by anyone before, not even the unmentionable ass. What W. did to me, hurt, but it was like a pinch compared to what Sheldon has done to me. Although I seem fine, and I am not dwelling about it (for the most part) this pain lingers, and only gets worse through time. I let myself be an honest person for Sheldon, and I can honestly say I never once lied to him, not once.

I'm messed up and damaged, and I have a bit of a problem lying to people I just meet. I don't know why I do it, it might be a defence mechanism, I honestly don't know, but for a while there I wasn't lying at all, at all, I was an honest person. I liked me.

Sheldon, my boyfriend at the time, wouldn't touch me. He was too tired to hold me, to kiss me. Too drunk to touch me, to make love to me. Nothing. My own boyfriend - my own somebody, a man I was really starting to fall in love with - wouldn't touch me. Wouldn't have me. I felt so deeply undesired. I still do.

I've been having fun being single, dating around, fooling around, just having fun, but the past few weeks, I have been giddy about a new guy. We aren't dating, but we are in the same class, and we are very competitive with one another, and he is smart and intelligent and has great insight and a good mind, I like his mind. He is a good looking man, and he makes my stomach twist a bit every time I see him or whenever we speak.

Today I told him I was born in Greece. Lie. I was born in Canada.

I don't know why I said it. I want to call him, or see him , and tell him I lied, and that I don't want to be that person anymore. I almost cried today thinking baout why I lied, and I didn't have an answer for myself. It made my mind ugly.

I don't know why I lied, and because I lied, whatever hope or giddiness I have towards him will never progress, it will stay stagnant and won't become what I want it to be. Because of Sheldon, I'm affraid to be myself. I'm sorry.

I hate this me.